Open Window Obscured

…Everytime I tell him, he goes “yes, I know.”

….He hides when I try to catch a glimpse. He locks his gates when I try to enter. His mind is something I have spent years fruitlessly trying to explore. There is so much I want to show him, so much left unsaid. Yet I feel unable to show him what he means to me. He was once a star in the sky that I aimed for, to be lost and found again. But there’s so much more to show, to feel, to know. I’m afraid of the consequences, and so I hold back. If only he’d understand…..

…She was just another person I knew. I treated her like the rest, no less, no more. She was intriguing though from the start. First seen as kid who learnt hindustani classical in the drawing room as I lazed around in my shorts, eating junk food and watching TV. She grew into a fiercely competitive athlete, one whose determination and mental maturity was felt throughout for a girl of 11. Life as should have been went on until the day I got her message. A situation I’d been never before in, a liability I thought at first, another mind of my own it turned out to be. But why? Why did she want it? What was it I had to offer? And if I were to openly give out my mind, would she accept it being the fearful and shy person I’d known her to be. I couldn’t handle the responsibility…..

…..I looked at him grow. He grew on, in age and talent as we stared, looking up at the person I respected and craved. His mind has always been a mystery to me. Every glance of his eyes, those fierce yet soft eyes, that expression he kept blank so well at the same time making those around him feel their way. The distance keeps increasing, and I’m slowly losing hope. The pain has become excruciating, so hard to bear. For I feel I’ve failed in my quest after going in so deep. If only he’d once look down. If only he’d notice. If only he’d accept me and let me be free…

….A lesson learnt the hard way. The pain was too much for me. I can’t go on getting hurt like this, it isn’t who I’m meant to be. Getting back to my life is my motive now. I strayed away, letting the forces distract me. Going out of my way for others’ sake, I simply just don’t feel myself.
What is love? Why are other people the way they are? Why do they cry upon seeing people depart? Why do they snuggle with little babies and embrace them? Whats my weakness? Or is it my strength? I watched on, seeing the world from the outside, my frame of perception keeping me impervious to their lures…..

…..But after all the differences and clouds between us, why does he still smile his warm smile and extend his hand out for me? What is it that I can’t figure out about his behaviour? I have become a part of him. I have seen and followed in his footsteps. I have come a long way, but yet I feel I’m totally lost in this world, unable to penetrate his shield that he seems to have created around himself. My dreams have turned into nightmares. My long wait has lead to desperation. This isn’t a life worth living for….

….And there she was, the only one in that world who had reached out to me. I watch on, questions plagueing my mind. Why is she doing the things I do? What does she want from me? What does she see in me? Her thoughts spoke out through the songs she presented me, but why? I didn’t want this… It was as all dreams were to be. My wishes were supposed to stay wishes. I don’t believe that they could be answered and I could actually be loved by someone. Now I can’t stop thinking about her. The more I see of her, the more I see of myself in another body. She fascinates me. Its turned to an obsession to keep tabs with her doings. Should I give her a chance? Should I try and help her get what she’s looking for? Let me chance a change….

….Things have taken a sudden change of course. The cold emotionless person I knew who wouldn’t relate me one hair of himself has suddenly become understanding, more open and warm. He has provided me a shoulder to cry on, a hand to pull me up. He has become different. Now I’ve felt and experienced all the wonders words put down and more. I have let myself go, felt secure, in safe hands to catch me before I fall. I don’t know whether all I say can let him know how much this means to me. I let him know how I feel, how much I care and how much I love him. And everytime I tell him, he goes “yes, I know.”…..

….A whole new aspect of life opened up with the opening of my eyes to things I considered weak and low. What I looked down at people for has become my biggest trait now. At times I feel its a weakness that I’ve let take over me to lead me to my doom, yet at the same time I know that If I am to be doomed, I would prefer it in no other way. I still have that part of me telling me that I’ve become one of them. I have become mediocre, weak and powerless by letting other factors control my life. I have lost my kingdom, dethroned and pierced by the sword of this thing called love. But adamant as the person I was, I live by my present rules, my present state of mind. It has become a fight with myself in choosing my path. Either be the one I was and go my way, or continue as who I am, travelling not a lonely path, but sharing everything, showing others my way.
These days are of non stop battles within my mind. A battle whose fate is sealed to doom, for my victory is my defeat. I want to show her all that I have in me. But my other part doesn’t let me for who I was. With my acceptance of her I ate the fabled apple of the garden of eden..sealing my fate, losing myself and my destiny forever. I can’t tell her how much I love her and how much I care, but only the death of myself would bring that out of me, for one part opposes the other. All I can say to her when she tells me, is “Yes, I know.” But I can’t tell her that there’s so much more thats there to see if brilliance is what she feeds upon. I can’t tell her how much I have come to accept her as myself, as a part of me, for the other part of me can only accept myself. The human mind is complex, and I can tell you, since as I speak, I’m standing by that narrow window to this realm, looking into myself, seeing the parts of me from a different perspective. She wouldn’t be able to handle all I have to offer. She is not strong enough to take it in. I don’t want to hurt her……..

….I keep somethings locked deep inside of me in fear of hurting him with the beast within. I want to, but I’m afraid. But Its so hard to try, since everytime, the answer is “Yes, I know.”…..

….The part of me that lurks beneath the skin is but a breath away from waking up the demon of what I was. I’m sorry, but for your sake, I can’t do that. You’re all I care about. I can’t lose you now. You too are a part of me, and the death of either part will seal my mind.
You catch glimpses of me from the distractions from time to time, when a part sleeps, giving me clear control. But thats rare, and in all the times I want to show you, I refrain myself saying “Yes. I know.”…..

17th Feb 2006